Valentines day, the one day out of the year where if you don’t get the person you’ve been with for however long a gift, you run the risk of them being mad with you for months, cheating on you immediately after or even breaking up with you. It’s also the day when losers of both sexes can get a chance to be hit on for approximately 18 hours before they revert back to the tadpoles they were the night before. I feel as if its my duty to provide a guide on how to navigate the worlds most feared and loneliest day.

If You’re With Someone

Now everyone knows that gifts are key to valentines day. Roses, chocolate, and teddy bears. Girlfriends and wives alike swoon over these delectables; well how about you swoon your behind over the fact that you can turn on the lights and look in the fridge for food to cook. I know what you’re saying, “Who does this N#*## think he is, talking about cutting on lights and looking at food in the fridge, he better have me a gift”. Well, this N*&$$^ wont be getting you nothing and N$*%& like me wont either. Why you ask? Simple. There’s no need.  A real man who is interested in you and likes you doesn’t  need nor wait for retailers and some butt naked mass murderer in a diaper to tell him to buy his woman something. That’s for guys who have no class. A real man has been spending time with you and buying you things when he can (yes, small items like a Chick Fi La sandwich count).

If You’re Lonely and Desperate

For all of my L&D’s (Lonely & Desperate) people out there, this is the time for you to shine. You know out of the 365 days of the year this will be the only time you’ll probably have at  chance to score with the opposite sex, and no all that time with your fingers and palm do not count. Get out and mingle. Brush your hair, put on some nice clothes and spruce up with some smell good. Touch yourself in a way where you wont feel guilty afterwards. There are plenty of women who are just as desperate to be with someone, anyone, for today; and they’ll jump at the chance even if its to say, they weren’t alone. I say use this to your advantage. If you happen to luck up today, don’t manage to muck everything up and let her go. Keep her around, you never know if she’s the one for you.

The Truth

All in all, Valentines day is a day to spend, spend, spend. Why not enjoy it? Look at your bank account and say “I’m Cashing Out” and show everyone you mean what you say.